The Heartbreak Guide

The Heartbreak Guide

Hey you, yes you. You are super cute. And beautiful. And that smile is to die for. And I’m just here to tell you that any pain you’re currently feeling will feel a whole lot less intense in a few days/weeks/months time.

So, someone broke your heart? Or maybe you broke someone else’s heart? It happens.

In this world filled with over seven billion other colossal idiots all pretending to know exactly what they’re doing, it’s bound to happen sometimes. And you know what? You’re not alone.

That girl scanning groceries – her boyfriend screwed her brother.

That boy catcalling you from the car window at a red light – his girlfriend broke up with him because she fell out of love with him.

That girl getting drunk alone with her cat – she caught her unofficial man sneaking off to have a threesome. And he went through with it.

Shit happens.

You live and you learn.

But when that wound is fresh, and you can’t take your mind away from your pulsating heart or your clammy hands or your jagged breathing, you might need some help.

When that wound is fresh, you can’t think about anything but the pain. Which is why you need to shut up right now. Shut up. Stop scanning. Stop cat calling. Put down that bottle and stop being a bad influence on your cat. Just stop for a moment and read my stupid advice. Trust me. It won’t work, but it’ll distract your sad little brain for a while.

Take note.

This is my official Heartbreak Guide.

Lights. Camera. Action.

Step 1.
Cry.

So, some knucklehead broke your heart. What’s the first thing you’re going to do?

Simple. Cry.

You heard me. Cry. Release every single toxin in your body in those glorious tiny tears. Let everybody hear your sorrow. Don’t hold back. Cry. You were so happy two days ago, now you’re devastated. Cry. You won’t have an excuse this good to cry again in a while. Cry your fucking heart out. Cry yourself to sleep. Cry while you’re making breakfast. Cry while you’re replaying the moment your heart cracked in two a thousand times. Cry in the shower. Cry on your friend’s shoulder. Get it all out. Cry.

Step 2.
Follow the three R’s.

Run.

Remove.

Recover.

Run.

You’re going to run yourself as far away from that bad boy as possible. I’m talking packing up your shit, booking a flight, and flying your ass to another state.

Dramatic? Yes.

Expensive? Of course.

Necessary? Obviously.

You’re like a cookie. Your heartbreaker is like a glass of milk. The longer you stay, the more you crumble. Until you’re nothing but a soggy collection of cookie crumbles at the bottom of the glass.

Run. Even if it is just to another place of accommodation. A change of scenery is the most important thing for you right now.

Remove.

You’ve run away and removed yourself physically. Now what you’re going to do is remove yourself emotionally.

If you’re like me, which you’re probably not, you’re going to want to keep up-to-date with everything your heartbreaker is doing. Stalking their Facebook, monitoring who comments on their posts, revisiting their Instagram and wondering what you ever found so attractive about them. Spoiler alert: the sex was good.

But even though you’ve removed yourself physically, you can’t stop thinking about them. Wondering if they’re hurting as much as you, or if they’re even thinking about you at all.

You analyse everything, checking for a sign. A sign that will never appear, a sign that will drive you almost crazy over time.

So, remove yourself. If they were a true piece of shit, delete and block them.

If they had redeemable qualities, delete yourself. Take a break from social media.

Use this as a chance to detox.

Temporarily delete your Instagram, remove Facebook from your phone, turn off the active status in all your communication apps. Remove yourself completely. Fall off the grid. Make them wonder how you are.

Recover (Momentarily).

Run yourself a bath. With bubbles. Lots of bubbles. Treat yourself. Get a massage. Cuddle a dog. Or two. Or three. Go to the beach. Go fruit picking. Eat as much fruit as humanly possible. Eat chocolate. Eat pasta. Distract yourself. Have a Footloose breakout session. Punch some punching bags. Do some flips. Jump on some trampolines. Blast music so loud you can’t hear your terrible singing. Let those endorphins flow. Feel momentary happiness. Recover. Even just for a minute. Realise that you can be happy by yourself.

Step 3.
Put yourself first.

Take a shot at independence. And when I say shot, I mean shot. Wink. Go out on the town. Solo. Or with friends. It doesn’t matter. Dance. Drink. Make new friends. Kiss new guys. Sit on guy’s shoulders. Get free drinks. Flirt with the security guards. In fact, go home with the head security guard at the venue where your heartbreaker is working. Teehee. Or don’t. That’s probably bad advice. It worked for me though. Did I feel better? Momentarily. Not because of the security guard. But because I had so much bloody fun that night. It was amazing.

Step 4.
Make a decision.

You decide to get a job on a beautiful island.
Great. What’s next?
Book a flight.
Nice. Next?
Make amends.
With your heartbreaker?
Yep. With your heartbreaker.

You realise that you can’t leave without some closure. The last time you saw him, he was confessing to sleeping with your brother or having a threesome or losing feelings for you. You left before saying goodbye. Because you really couldn’t face him.

But look at you now! You’re glowing! Thriving! Yeah, you still look pretty bloody sad, but it’s progress!

So, you finish a whole bottle of wine. You want that liquid courage. You want something to fall back on if this plan fails.

You message your friend: should I do it?
Don’t do it.
But maybe I should do it?
Don’t do it.
I think I’m going to do it!
Don’t do it!
I did it!
Honestly, screw you.

You tell him that you would like to reconcile your friendship. ONLY friendship. Because you have mutual friends and don’t want things to be awkward between you. He’s thrilled! He didn’t think he would ever hear from you again. He wants to catch up. You tell him he’s got that night or the next morning. That’s it. You’re flying out the next night. But he doesn’t know that. He gets annoyed at your deadline.

You tell him to figure something out or he will never see you again.

He figures something out.

Step 5.
Make amends.

Meet up with your heartbreaker. Your heart is racing and your hands are clammy and you’re struggling to breathe. But you’ve got to face your fears. You meet up. Things are fine. You make sure they understand exactly how their actions hurt you. And you can see that they’re remorseful. That’s all you wanted. A sign that they cared. A sign that they were hurting too.

So, you say goodbye.

And you leave feeling good.

You hop on that plane and wave goodbye to all the heartbreak and heartache and good times. You start a new life.

Step 6.
Distract yourself!

Start a new job! Distract yourself while learning the ropes!

Meet new people! Distract yourself while climbing mountains and going to parties with your new friends!

Discover new places! Explore cute cafes and distract yourself with iced chocolates and Eggs Benedict’s!

Change your hair colour! How could I write a Heartbreak Guide without including this crucial step? You’ve changed your scenery, your job, and now you’re going to change your look. Trust me. You’ll feel better. Even if the only reason you’re feeling better is because every teen movie stated that this was the best thing to do. What have you got to lose? Plus, your new do will be a nice little distraction. Style yourself, you cutie, you.

Do all this while following the three R’s.

Yes, you made amends. But you’re still hurting. It’ll take time.

Step 7.
Time.

I’m sure you’ve heard this a million times before. But I’m going to say it again.

The best cure for a broken heart is time.

There. I said it.

You can distract yourself and drink copious amounts of alcohol and sleep with as many people as you want. But when it comes down to it, none of these things will fix a heart that’s not ready to be fixed.

Time is that secret ingredient. And you know what? It’s a pain in the ass. I’m ready to move on NOW, dammit. But my whiny heart just can’t handle the heat yet. And that’s okay. This pain won’t last forever. One day you’ll wake up, go about your day, end up in bed, and realise your heartbreaker never crossed your mind once.

It just takes time.

Step 8.
Confront your feelings.

Lose your job due to a global pandemic and end up stuck at home. There are only so many ways to distract yourself now. And no matter how hard you try, you can’t stop the memories from creeping through again. You agreed to stay friends. But you never stayed in contact. Every night when you try to sleep, you picture yourself calling him.

You torture yourself like this every day until one day, you can’t stop yourself.

You send him a message.

He opens it.

And surprise! He never replies.

A week passes and you realise something: you completely forgot about the message. Unlike every other time, you didn’t stay up waiting for a reply.

And you realise something else:

You don’t care.

You’ve finally moved on.

Step 9.
Realisation.

Walk outside and lay on the grass. It feels nice, right? The soft blades brushing against your skin. Look into the sky. What do you see? An endless blue filled with speckled white puffs of cloud. Birds flying overhead. The sun bathing you in warmth.

Or the night.
An endless darkness speckled with the dust of a thousand diamond stars. A swirling galaxy. The moon glowing radiantly behind slithers of clouds.

You feel small. You feel… Optimistic. You feel… Grateful.

There’s a whole universe out there.

There are thousands of others staring at the same sky as you.

There are countless other people discovering their own Heartbreak Guide.

You realise that you’re not alone.

You realise that any problems you’re facing now, you’ll probably face worse later on.

You realise that if you can survive once, you can survive again. And again. And again.

You realise that you’re finally happy. And it’s not a lie this time.

You’re not alone. Just like a bone, a broken heart takes time to heal. Tend to it. Treat it with love, and kindness, and sunshine and alcohol. And puppies. Puppies are very important. Discover your own heartbreak guide. Everyone heals differently. Figure out what works for you.

Lots of love,

A mended heart.